Day 19 – A song from your favorite album

Eleventh Hour "Revolution"

Walking

Walking
Walking
Moving
Always moving
No stop
No slow

Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio

Well, this question is just silly.  As I listen to Pandora, all I have to do to hear a song join the station is add it to the mix.  I do kind of wish there was more Isreali music available, but nothing specific.

Day 17 – A song that you hear often on the radio

I do not listen to radio, at least not radio proper.  There is Pandora.  "Bulgarian Chicks" certainly seems to be played a lot, at least enough that I remember it, even though I do not keep track of most song names.

Day 16 – A song that you used to love but now hate

How about a song I commonly love, but often makes me want to slam my head against a wall, "Rasputin", research can make me a bit crazy.

Day 15 – A song that describes you

"Nerd Girl", need I really explain?

Mutt

I am told I am not my blood
My blood is too diluted

I do not see myself diluted
I have not been watered down

I joke that I am a mutt
Because I am mixed
But I am still whole
I am still me

I am called American
I am called Native
I am called Irish
I am called Scottish
I am called German
I am called Welsh
I am called white

I am not called WASP
I cannot be called WASP

I am a mutt
I am mixed
I am me

Day 14 – A song that no one would expect you to love

It is not that the song would be a surprise so much as that I know a Roma sounding Isreali band.  "Blue Eyed Black Boy"

Time to save the Republic, by splitting the Sith Army

Jedi John, he likes hos. ~ S

Jedi John looking foo de ho. ~ S

The Russians have floating balls. ~ E
I am going to need you to never say that again. ~ D

You wouldn't kill, there would be a paper trail. ~ D

They are not cannon. ~ E
Fuck cannon. ~ D

Would they have let him join the Explorer Corp, I am not sure he is smart enough to be Archaeologist. ~ E

The WLA Wookie Liberation Army. ~ P

Day 13 – A song that is a guilty pleasure

As the guilty pleasure of my guilty pleasure "Hot Blooded" (Booth, Bones, enjoy).

Day 12 – A song from a band you hate

"Never Let You Go"
Bieber needs to go away now.

Day 11 – A song from your favorite band

I am not sure I have a favorite band, I know quite a few bands I enjoy, but cannot truthfully say that there is one band I prefer over all others.  Gorillaz is up there, so I shall go with "Clint Eastwood".

Day 10 – A song that makes you fall asleep

I actually created a station on Pandora for just such a purpose.  Based the station on Irish folk music, specifically songs like "The Rising of the Moon", and "Don't Go for the One".

Day 09 – A song that you can dance to

I can dance to so many songs, but there is a song I feel the compulsion to dance to, as long as I have not done too much research surrounding said song.  That being "Rasputin".

Day 08 – A song that you know all the words to

"The Boys of Belfast"

We're the boys of Belfast town
Rantin', roarin', ramblin' 'round
We're Irishmen of high renown
That's the boys of Belfast


We're the boys of Belfast town
Rantin', roarin', ramblin' 'round
We're Irishmen of high renown
That's the boys of Belfast

You will find us anywhere

In the church or on the tare

Brave and bold there's none so rare

That's the boys of Belfast

We're the boys of Belfast town
Rantin', roarin', ramblin' 'round
We're Irishmen of high renown
That's the boys of Belfast

We're the boys of Belfast town
Rantin', roarin', ramblin' 'round
We're Irishmen of high renown
That's the boys of Belfast

We can fight with sword or pen

We'll never break, we'll never bend

And if we fall we'll rise again

For we're the boys of Belfast

We're the boys of Belfast town
Rantin', roarin', ramblin' 'round
We're Irishmen of high renown
That's the boys of Belfast

We're the boys of Belfast town
Rantin', roarin', ramblin' 'round
We're Irishmen of high renown
That's the boys of Belfast

When we're back on Paddy's shore

The lassies they'll be sad no more

Tonight we'll make the rafters roar

In the pubs of Belfast

We're the boys of Belfast town
Rantin', roarin', ramblin' 'round
We're Irishmen of high renown
That's the boys of Belfast

We're the boys of Belfast town
Rantin', roarin', ramblin' 'round
We're Irishmen of high renown
That's the boys of Belfast

Day 07 – A song that reminds you of a certain event

"The Lunatics Have Taken Over the Asylum", I shall let ya'll let people guess what that even is, although everyone will likely get it wrong.

Day 06 – A song that reminds you of somewhere

I doubt I will ever hear "Leaving on a Jet Plane" and not think of Alaska, had a few of the kids from the camp come to the airport to see a bunch of us off, they kept singing it, over, and over, and over ... and yet I never got bored of it, now I listen to the Me First and the Gimme Gimmes version for a quick smile.

Day 05 – A song that reminds you of someone

"Without me", I shall not say who I am reminded of, or why, but it does make me smile.

Day 04 – A song that makes you sad

"Green Fields of France" is what I listen to when I need a good cry, it is not that it makes me sad so much as it just helps me get in touch with that part of me.

Day 03 – A song that makes you happy

"Memories" makes me want to dance, so I shall go with that, for now.

Day 02 – Your least favorite song

I do not keep track of things I do not like, the world has more than enough suckage, why keep track of the suclage that need not be kept track of, I will say that I cannot stand music where the singer is singing nasally, it drives me crazy as a singer, and as someone whose head does not like the sound.

Learning me

I am still learning who I am
I know what I want now
I know what I need now

How can I expect someone else to be ready for me to change
When I am not sure where I will be next week
Next year

I feel too old to be finding myself
I feel too young to have lived so much

I am still learning me

Day 01 – Your favorite song

My favorite song is one of those constantly changing things, it depends on my mood, depends on what I am doing, both at the moment, and with my life as a whole.  A the moment I am totally feeling "Step it out Mary", not fully sure why, but that is just how I am right now.

30 Songs in 30 Days

30 Songs in 30 Days

• Day 01 – Your favorite song
• Day 02 – Your least favorite song
• Day 03 – A song that makes you happy
• Day 04 – A song that makes you sad
• Day 05 – A song that reminds you of someone
• Day 06 – A song that reminds you of somewhere
• Day 07 – A song that reminds you of a certain event
• Day 08 – A song that you know all the words to
• Day 09 – A song that you can dance to
• Day 10 – A song that makes you fall asleep
• Day 11 – A song from your favorite band
• Day 12 – A song from a band you hate
• Day 13 – A song that is a guilty pleasure
• Day 14 – A song that no one would expect you to love
• Day 15 – A song that describes you
• Day 16 – A song that you used to love but now hate
• Day 17 – A song that you hear often on the radio
• Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio
• Day 19 – A song from your favorite album
• Day 20 – A song that you listen to when you’re angry
• Day 21 – A song that you listen to when you’re happy
• Day 22 – A song that you listen to when you’re sad
• Day 23 – A song that you want to play at your wedding
• Day 24 – A song that you want to play at your funeral
• Day 25 – A song that makes you laugh
• Day 26 – A song that you can play on an instrument
• Day 27 – A song that you wish you could play
• Day 28 – A song that makes you feel guilty
• Day 29 – A song from your childhood
• Day 30 – Your favorite song at this time last year

Commencement

Today is commencement.  10 years and 3 months after I graduated early from high school I am receiving my BA in Anthropology with a minor in History.  I took me a year after high school to get my AA, another 9 to get the BA, it makes me feel dirty that I let my mind waste, even if I did have reasons.

I keep trying to be proud of myself for this, and yet it just makes me feel like a failure.  It does not help that the family is making this about them.  I wanted to get together with friends and family in a small thing afterwards and I was not told that is not enough, I suck at doing my nails but I enjoy it, however when I said I was going to do my nails I was told that was not good enough, I love getting my haircut, I love new shoes, but when I am told what I want is not good enough it just goes further to prove I am a failure.  If that is what I want and it is a failure what does that make me?

I want to be proud, I want to be excited, but I just cannot get there, and the way people are acting around me is just making me feel worse, and what seems to be important to everyone else is not how they are making me feel, but how they are making me look.

Today is my commencement, and all it proves is that I am a failure.

Ya'll's be killin' me yo

So you are doin' a ho, what are you doing? ~ E

They investigated the heck out of this little planet, and you investigated Crystal all night. ~ E

He won't let you into the bar. ~ E
I give him 500 credits. ~ D
He lets you in. ~ E

I take a 20 on use the force to detect awesome incoming. ~ D

Relationship status: How many Zeltrons are there? ~ D

Graduation

Saturday is graduation, last minute everyone who had planned to come to commencement realized they messed up their schedules and cannot make it. It kind of sucks that people cannot make it, however it does leave me with spares for some friends that had not gotten enough, and a couple for the memento book I am working on.

There are lots of things I had been putting on hold while I was working on school, that I am so very annoyed at myself for having put on hold, many of those things are things that have just been lost. I continue to say as long as I learn from the experience I did not fail, I was just given another learning experience, I do get to wish I had not needed the learning experience.

Saturday is not a day to wish to have done something different over the last 2+years, but to celebrate what all I did in the time, plus the time at Shoreline Community College (many years ago).

I will look as good as I have during this entire time. There was a point when I was slightly smaller, but I was still hiding who I was then, to an extent I am still hiding who I am, however I am finally opening myself up to being me outside of when no one can know or see. All of that plus a new haircut, perfectly done nails, shoes that are gorgeous, robes that are being sew to be my perfect fit, and graduation lei will make me be as perfect as I can be.

I will say that all of those things only go to prove that I am better with help than I am alone, the haircut is always done with help from the amazing Heidi (she does not just cut it, but helps me figure out exactly who and what I am, and how to show that in my hair), the nails were done by a family friend, who went through every colour in the shop to find the perfect husky purple, the shoes were gotten with the help of the super nice sales person (and my dad, whose job was to tell me if the shoes were ugly, he said they looked not ugly), my mom is working on fixing the robe (the size I got should not have sleeves 6" longer than my fingertips, but it did, and now it has been decided all things will get fixed), and the lei is a graduation gift.

x-posting to fb

Saturday, proof I am still just learning

Most everyone I know are surprised that I had never asked anyone out, even more surprised to find out that I had not asked out the one person who had kept my eye for around half my life. Saturday, after a week of people poking and my thinking more than I had actually done on the subject I finally asked him out. We talked a bit during the day, but a decision was not made.

I got home later than I had expected, and planned on going straight to bed, what with needing to be awake incredibly early the next morning. To help with the sleeping I took an ambien. For years my best friend had been trying to get me to not take ambien, I always had told him something similar to the 'only people who have the weird occurrences are lesser people'. Saturday I learned I am one of the 'lesser people'.

I apparently pulled out my laptop, and continued the conversation about dating. At some point I got angry and started being a real bitch, even cursed him out. I found out all of this Sunday morning. I panicked. He may have kept my eye, but we had become friends, and whether or not we ended up dating I wanted to keep him as a friend.  He is now a friend that I would do just about anything to keep from losing.

I sent him a message as soon as I saw what has happened fearing the loss of a good friend. Turns out he knows me well enough, and knows how drugs can fuck people up, therefore had already decided to ignore Saturday night.

The real point here is that I learned from this. Fearing failure is a waste, failure where you do not learn from it is where the fear should be. Many people have had to end up in legal trouble, or even just personal trouble to find out that ambien was not a good choice. I learned that even though I have done it many times before I should not do anything without questioning if that is what I need now, and of it is helping me.

I have been slowly trying to be more natural with everything I do, and yet here I was taking ambien, knowing the stories, even having met people that had stories of their own. I have been trying to not use caffeine, and yet I took ambien. Ambien had just been so much a automatic for getting sleep when I had an early morning that I never thought to go natural in that one place.

I know my need to be constantly learning is great for languages, etc, but I keep hoping I have learned all I can about me, but I keep learning things about who I am, what I want, what I need, and how I should treat myself.

Growing up is apparently a life long experience, a constant learning experience.

What I want, what I need

I would say I want what everyone wants, but that is not really all that true. I want a man to worship, who is worthy of worship, and wants to be worshiped. I want to not be a great-aunt for a while longer, I do not want my great-whatever do be born with an addiction, or born with physical or mental problems because of drug use during pregnancy. I want to not need to think about what I want or need. I want to curl up with another being and just be.

I need? Well I need to move on to the next step, this next step likely involves getting a a job, moving back into the city, and becoming a more active person again. Mentally and physically I cannot stay where I am. I need to curl up with another being and just be.

All the notes shall be organized

I have been spending my free time of the last month or so organizing all my notes, from school and from my research, I have been way too scatter brained about it.  If the book is to be an Anthropological look at geeks, specifically the culture of the female geek, than I probably need to comment and reference actual Anthro concepts, so I really do need to be able too look back and see what major points I have missed/skipped/ignored.  However organizing all these notes seem to be taking longer than expected, and I have yet to figure out the best way to do it, at the moment everything is sorted by the quarter it was noted in, while I know that will not hold water for long, hopefully it either hold water long enough to get everything in the book, or long enough to find the better organizational method.

Wish me luck.

More S&Mitar

I threaten to hit him some more. ~ E
He secretly likes it. ~ N
That is why it is called the S&Mitar. ~ E

I do not know why you want me. ~ E
You heal. ~ N
And hit people with my S&Mitar. ~ E
Which also healing. ~ N

Oozes are just free lube, right? ~ B

His tentacle goes limp, too much whiskey. ~ B

I would totally watch that, Marching Band on Ice. Or cheerleaders on ice. ~ B

We have all lost part of our minds, yays

When you have a ton of stuff to do you whip it out? ~ J

It's a dark and stormy dark. ~ U

Josh is however not there. ~ D

Ah, they took our gear. ~ A

Dude, they made out with you while you were asleep. ~ E

That's not sexy. ~ A

I am great with my mouth. ~ A

Your character should not be smarter than you are. ~ D

Then I should only be playing fighters. ~ A

I am going to order food, and be surprised when it arrives. ~ B

How do you get your skin clean without a power sander? ~ J

What happens in Shadowfell, stays in Shadowfell. ~ A

I want a cage too. ~ U

Due to the Shadowfell I no longer have an internal monologue. ~ U

He might be useful for us in the future. ~ A

Why would you want a threesome with him? ~ U

There's a wight buying a dress. ~ B

You did not want to pull a Josh? ~ B

Geek Girl Con comments

At last PAX I met a roller derby girl that was starting a con, for female geeks, and those that are female geek friendly (not in the creepy way, get thee mind out of the gutter).  I was excited to have something so perfect for my research right here (Seattle being the social home for the geeks is great for me, and the research).  Sadly as time has moved on the convention has been getting more and more clique, which is one of the major reasons I have so few female friends, just because girls are raised to be clique by social rules does not mean we need to actually act like that, in fact the same social rules are the ones being broken by the mere existence of there being geek enough to even consider having a convention, let alone actually putting it on.  I hope that this problem is noticed and fixed in time to keep the convention around, but at this point there is no way I will be going, writing on the cliquish behavior is not something I need to go to GGC to do, and I really do not want to give a chapter in my book to them (damn the original concept draft of the book).  I really do hope they change, and if my book ends up getting a second version, I hope they will be ready to take the place they were to have in the current one.