Dungeons and Dragons Culture

As the final paper was nearly 15 pages when formatted the way the prof actually wanted I have decided to not post the original complete in one post, but in multiple posts. We shall start with the intro: Dungeons and Dragons culture cannot be understood without at least a basic understanding of the cultures it is a sub culture of. First is an overview of Geek culture, then quick bits on Gaming and Role-Playing culture, then to the real meat. Each culture has certain things that are common throughout the culture, that makes the culture a unified entity. Language, Community, Ideology, Traditions, Cultural Items, and Music. Not each part is required for a culture to be a culture, but to an extent each culture shares at least a part of each in some way. Geek culture is a very varied culture, but even it, and all sub cultures that are a part of it follow these basics cultural aspects to have formed itself to be.

Fall Quarter and the brain imploded

I let my class research take my time this quarter, so this research fell to the wayside. I did make sure I can find uses for any in class research, so you might be seeing some of that coming soon. For now I will leave you with a few thoughts. http://geekgirlcon.com/ Check it out, they are not anti sausage, just pro chicks, and want to celebrate the coolness of female geeks, of all types. I had the pleasure of meeting the head of this at PAX. I turned Scandinavian history class research paper into a report on Mindtwister, and still got a 4.0 (maybe the prof is a bit of a geek?) My major research topic this quarter was for a popular culture class, where I researched D&D, not specifically female based research, but I plan on spending part of my break working on it and turning that around a little bit to better fit here.

Research? Wait, this is a blog

I have been slowly doing research on my own (usually outside of the classes I take, but sometimes I find a way to make it fit). Now I want to make this a more open research topic, and see if I get more responses with a place for people to see. I want to learn about the culture that is the 'gamer girl', including why some like the term, and others prefer other terms, or no term at all. I will be posting here when I have new thoughts on the research, or when I have new questions. If you have thoughts, want to answer questions, want to be interviewed, etc you can email me inmpha (at) u (dot) washington (dot) edu I will be keeping up to date on both the research, and what I and my other 'gamer girl' friends are doing, playing, etc (with some social science comments thrown in).

Been gone so long

This quarter has been kicking my butt. It will be over in a couple more days. Then I can get back to saying what I think and bothering you all with said thoughts.

Yay insurance

Until recently I had not had insurance since I was on my parents insurance. Upon getting it I went out immediately (seriously, next day), to see a doctor. I have lots of issues, major and minor that I have learned to deal with, but have hurt my 'quality of life'.

I told my new doctor my health problems, and that I am not a fan of just taking a bunch of pills to fix everything. My issue with taking pills to fix everything would not matter for most people, but because I have multiple issues taking a pill for one thing almost automaticly means making something else worse, which of course means I would then need to take another pill to fix that, which would . . . Thankfully my doctor understands that and is going to slowly put me on meds to make sure there are no interactions, we will be dealing with things in the order of importance (but not my order, as it turns out there were issues I did not know about).

But before I go on any new meds (even without insurance birth control is not hard to get) we are seeing what can be fixed with over the counter stuff. I have a morning/evening week pill holder that just picking up makes me feel like a druggy, and all it has is vitamins. I have B, C, Calcium/D, Fish Oil, multivitamin, and a few of others. Being unhealthy seems so much simpler than having to remember to take pills in the morning, and evening.

Before we put me on any meds there will also be a nutrisonist consulated, to see if there is something I can add, or get rid of, in my diet.

I sometimes wish I was actually a person that acted unhealthy, instead of someone that did just about everything I am told to do, then at least I could say it was my fault not just genetics. However I have never been given more than I can handle, and life goes.

Memberable

Memberable
Not sure why
Not sure how
But it seems that i am
I walk into a room
People see me
They know me
This is how it used to be
But that was so long ago
It feels likes ages ago
I feel like I lost her
And yet she is back

The pain is written wherever you look
My face is etched with pain,
You think I look fine,
But you cannot see,
See inside of me.
You cannot feel the pain,
The pain I fell.
No one can feel my pain,
But me,

Ruler

I think too much
I know this
Sometimes I fear this

I overthink
I cannot live in he moment

I forgot I lived there
Only you
I lost myself in you
I let go
There is no more beautiful a moment

Bending Battles

There was a discussion my friends were having, which element would be the most powerful bending? So I will cover the basic stuffs

Air Bending - Can always be used, as air will exist anywhere.
Water Bending - Skilled/smart benders can create water. Really skilled benders can blood bend. This is the only element that can take multiple form (ice-water-steam).
Earth Bending - This is the only truly solid element. Skilled benders can 'see' through the vibrations in the ground. Really skilled benders can metal bend.
Fire Bending - The most destructive of all the elements. Much like air fire bending can always be used. Fire bending's special is lighting.

Thinking about everything I must say it all depends on the skill level of the bender.

If we are talking base level bender: Fire is the strongest, as air cannot destroy other elements without some skill/practice.
If we are talking someone who has learned their element: Air is the strongest. A jet of air can shatter ice, and stone, and much like in Fantastic Four air can be used to control fire. It takes being near master level to have blood bending, vibration vision, and as metal bending requires vibration vision, metal bending.
If we are talking master benders: This is the level where things get tricky I have not seen anything that skill/practice can gain a normal bender from the Air nation. Fire gains lighting, but when paired with an equally skilled water bender shooting lighting at them just has them letting the lighting flow through them, and then back out. Metal bending seems pretty powerful, but first the person must find the 'rock' in it, which really just mean that the earth bender has an extra step before metal can be used. I think the ability to force a person to do anything makes you the strongest, in 1v1, but if they have friends, and your friends and the person you are controlling cannot protect you.

All of this to say I cannot say which nation is the strongest. I can say fire would likely win on a base level, one of no skill, in 1v1. Air would have a good chance of winning in a skilled 1v1. In a masters 1v1 a water bender willing to go dark would win.

In truth I think strongest bender is one who fights with friends from all other nations. A 4v4 where one side has a skilled member from each of the nations, versus a group that is not diverse.

All of this logic was based on fair fighting. The Fire Navy never did play fair.

It pull you to the edge,
But leaves you hanging.
You get so high,
There is no where to go
But down.
They have always said it was wrong,
But never why.
Now you try it.
You see nothing wrong,
And never will.
No one ever does,
Not 'til the end,
'Til they have gone.

Everyday

All I ask is that someone listens,
listen to me.
Not to tell me that was wrong,
Or that I should have done this or that.
Why couldn't that be you?
Too worried about yourself,
Your own life, Not caring about anything else,
Even me, or my life,
Me, the one you are supposed to care so much about.
The simple 'I love you' everyday
Does not do shit, for me, or my life.
You think you can change me,
The way I live my life,
The friends I hang with.
You cannot,
not even by the everyday 'I love you'

The writing (is mine)
It is me
The words (are mine)
They are me
The picture (was me)
But you cannot see inside

Nothing

I am not who you think I am
I am the one hidden
Hidden behind a mask
I am the one you fear
I am the one who fears nothing
Nothing is all that I am

My love

My love
no longer pure
But was it ever so?
My heart says no
My mind says no
My soul
my soul says yes
But that was long ago
Longer than the heart, nor the mind
can remember

Opinion

Opinion
Asked for
Given
Forgotten

Opinion
Asked for
Given
Trampled
(Loss of heart)

Opinion
Asked for
Given
Misused

Opinion
Asked for
Given
Twisted
(What heart)

Opinion
Asked for
Given...
.
...Nothing

Opinion
Asked for
Given
Forgotten
Loss of soul

Opinion
Asked for
A lost soul
Has no opinion

1st Day 2nd Time 2nd Try

First day of the second quarter. I still fell out of place, but not because of anything except that I know I am not one of them anymore. I left here. It was not a choice I liked making, but I made it, and now I will never really be one of them. I know none of them is completely normal. Being normal involves so much work, while so little. The ‘normal’ college student is supposed to drink a certain amount on a daily basis, they are supposed to spend a certain amount of time at a job, time with friends, time studying, and time sleeping, and eating, but when you add up the hours needed to do all these things you end up with more than 24 hours needed in a day. Where do they take the time from? There is nothing free to take them from. Even if they eat while working, and somehow also spending time with friends the hours are too few.

I did not want to leave, I wanted to stay on course, I wanted to be in the front of the classroom by this point in my life, but I am not. I am sitting in the front row, waiting for the prof to show, waiting for the day to begin. I have always known what I wanted to do. Teach, mold the brains of our youth, teach them to think for themselves (even when it means disagreeing with me). I let my life get dragged off course, I let myself be taken from the path.

Here I sit, waiting for the class to begin, my life to be forced back to the path.

Umbrella Corp

Spent a whole 5ish minutes testing out the CD painting concept. Worked pretty well, could use more detail work, but it made the giftee very happy.

I agree with Glenn Beck? Eww

He is very set in his wrong ways, so how can I agree with anything he says or does?

In truth there is no pure right, wrong, good, or bad in our universe. It seems nearly impossible for him to change his thoughts, and his base opinions are based in facts that are not true, and logic that is flawed. But he does actually have a brain, and it seems he sometimes lucks into being right.

Last night he even gave honour (by using and giving credit for an idea) to MLK. Showed 2 videos showing similar actions, one where the victim is understood, and one where people cannot seem to agree on who is in fact the victim.

He is also siding against Texas. Texas has said the Ben Franklin is not worthy of being a founding father, Glenn Beck disagrees, and even went through a list of why he thinks Ben Franklin is worthy of being considered a founding father. In the time I listened he did not say "Texas disagrees" or anything of that nature, but it was clear to anyone that knows what Texas did that he think Texas went too far.

The Power of 3

The power of three:

Three names I go by:
1. Ella
2. Sparkles
3. Bubbles

Three Jobs I have had in my life:
1. Executive Assistant
2. Greeter
3. EOP

Three Places I have lived:
1. YBI
2. Edmonds
3. Seattle

Three Favorite drinks:
1. Mt Dew
2. Lambic
3. Green Tea

Three TV Shows that I watch:
1. Bones
2. Chuck
3. Lie to Me

Three places I have been:
1. Alaska
2. Florida
3. Maine
(as we already know the CA part, the other 3 corner seemed the way to go)

Three of my favorite foods:
1. Daniel's Mac n Cheese
2. Daniel's Fried Chicken
3. My Country Benedict

Three Things I am looking forward to:
1. Friday gaming
2. The quarter being done
3. Scanning some of my artwork, so I can put it online

Three Things that are always by my side:
1. My BB
2. A Sketch pad
3. My Wallet

Three people who have e-mailed/messaged me today:
1. My EOP Counselor
2. My Anth Counselor
3. My instructor for summer independent study

Three favorite colors:
1. Purple
2. Red
3. Gold

Three favorite items of clothing:
1. My pink sandals
2. My kimomo shirt
3. My African patterned summer dress

Last three words uttered:
1. pain
2. the
3. Oww

Apple vs Windows

"People keep comparing Windows with George Bush, and Obama with Apple." - E
"That's stupid, they are both Hitler." - D

No Computers OH NOES

Not posted in awhile, and the following explains why.

Well, not no computer. My laptop has been having issues, my main tower is working fine (mostly, but I almost never actually am in the space to use it), the other tower is missing certain important things (seriously thinking about scraping it for parts for jewelry, etc), and then there is this iBook that no one could use.

I brought the iBook to the Apple store, they said other than it only being 10GB it was in amazing condition, but that before it could be used it need more space, now it has 120GB. Sadly I have not used Macs in so long that I do not understand them. Maybe next time I have some free time I will go back to the Apple Store and get some one on one time to have stuff explained.

The laptop is on its last legs, it keeps shutting itself off, I am told it is a fan issue (ie fan not working) except that I can feel the fan working, but it is only shooting out freezing cold air, and is does not cool anything but my legs.

The main tower is at 'home', but as home is not my main place to be it makes it mostly useless, and there is nothing to be done about that until I have money to move back into town.

So here I am on a G3, being so very confused (why is there no right button, or home, or end, or page up, or page down, or . . . ).

No more writting about me

I have written so much that is just pathetic this is who I am scholarship, etc application. I want to keep writing, just nothing more about me, maybe the death penalty, that sounds cheery.

Punishment, the law, and stupidity

Thanks to a new Supreme Court ruling people can be kept in prison after they have served their time. This ruling reminds me of why while I am pro death penalty I think there should not be a death penalty right now.

I do not think that the punishment should simply match the crime, it should be based on the criminal, not just the crime. Our system does take that into account, but only when lessening sentences, and not always because the person does not deserve the full sentence, but instead because they think the world has been unduly harsh on the criminal.

If someone kills someone the death penalty being on the table makes sense to me, if and only if that person cannot be fixed, become a normal person, act like a normal person, live a 'normal' life. By that I mean that if the person is ever released they will hurt others again, then that person should not ever be released, this leaves the option of sentences of death and life without probation.

The Introduction

This is back story (written as if it were the intro to her journal) of my character in the Warhammer game. I will be attempting to give 'journal' entries for the different sessions (different entries for each day that has interest, when that comes into play). You will see a good bit of me in this, but keep in mind this is not in fact me, but my character in a role playing game. Also keep in mind this might have some changes to it as I continue to flush in out.



I never knew about my parents, I often wondered, but never asked, I knew I would not be given such information. I do know I was lucky, though, that the priests that rescued me from whatever it was that brought me here were those of Shallya, that I was brought to the temple that I was, and that I was trained by the priest that I was. I was raised by a kindly priest whose views were not mainstream, much more accepting and loving of all. He told me that if our Goddess really was that of healing and mercy she was also that of love, as healing and mercy are only things that can be given out of love. He told me that she gave us gifts of so that we could use them to show love. I know I have taken this a step further, and that if any but my mentor heard I would be caste out as a heretic, or worse. But just as I never asked about where or what I was before the temple here, I never voiced such extreme thoughts.
I was raised around nobles, mostly. I never caused the trouble, but I would gladly help someone who was hide it from the elders. I kind of always wished that I had the guts to do more than sneak away at night to visit the poorer parts of the city. I was always a bit of a bookworm, I read about horrible pain and suffering outside of the world I was being raised in. Seeing how others lived fascinated me, I have sometimes wondered if this is because that could have been me.
I was known for helping the troublemakers to get away with causing trouble, but they could never prove it. I think my mentor might have been able to, but just never helped them out of his love for his star pupil.
The preachers that would come through from distant temples would teach hate of that which is different. They taught that magic is evil, that any that have the power was made wrong. I could never believe that. Shallya would not allow such a thing. I am human, there are elves, and dwarfs as well as human, so why is magic just another difference that the Goddess has given. If everyone had the same gift none would survive. We need the one with the gift of growing things or there would be no farms, we need those with the skill to cook, we need those that are good with a sword, we need the tailor, we need the smith, and I believe we need the artist as well. It would also be quite boring if everyone were the same.
From what I have seen, from those preachers that pass through, the further from here you get the more pain and suffering, and with so few of my order out there to help that will continue. I have lived a mostly sheltered life, I have read books, every single one that I could get my hands on, I have studied at the feet of all that would teach me, even those with whom I did not agree. I wish to be a part of the cure, not the sickness, so I am going to go to the far reaches and spread the love, mercy and healing or Shallya.

Even older gaming quotes

To an unmanned raptor that was shot at by many a raider, and took out a few before being damaged.
"He gets the purple die of honour." - A
"D12 yes very honourable." - F

Explaining how you can have someones back while in sick bay.
He is in sick bay, I am in the bed behind him, I have his back." - D

"I am going to be in sick bay, and it is going to get hit, and I am going be put in sick bay." - F

"I am double cylon." - M

Thought of the day for November 28th was:
"Humans (in BSGtBG) are Huskies, except you feel bad about them losing."

"But she is not that kind of priest." - R
"Yet." - E & D

"That's what the priest said." - S

"We might be starving, but at least that diet is working." - S

Undateable?

There is a show on VH1 Undateable, the show is supposed to be telling guys how to not act to get, and keep a girl. A lot of these are things that are common sense, other seem random, but a few are not correct for everyone.

'Do not quote lines from movies'
I love a guy that can quote lines, especially when it works in the conversation. I do not like random quoting, but quotes that work, or need minor changes to make it fit (ie "multiblog").

'Men should not order wine at a stadium'
Why not? If a woman likes wine, why can the guy not?

'Do not be an overly aggressive sports fan'
If you are one, it does not make you undateable, it just means you need to date another aggressive sports fan, duh.

'No playing D&D'
This is another one where you just find a like minded girl. Geek chicks what geek guys (just not the sexist ones).

'Owning nunchucks'
I would disagree, owning them and not knowing how to use them is a total turn off, but knowing how to use them is hot, or at least I think it is.

'Do not talk about video games with your girl'
If you are playing a game I cannot stand to hear about, then yes, do not talk to me about it (unless you are going for an indepth discussion on your horrible [said lovingly] taste in games, and my great taste in games), otherwise bring it on.

'Men should not wear leather pants'
HAHAHA, really? I know a few guys that look really good in them.

'Bad table manners'
This one is the only one that I actually thought, who needs to be told this?

Those are some of the major ones that made me go, 'why on earth our you making this list'. If you find a girl that is into what you are into than most of those things that turn other girls will actually turn her on, but society says all good relationships must exactly like this means people lose themselves to find it, and then once they have it they turn back into themselves, and they lose it all. Who wants to lose it all?

Archy Poem

We are new
but old
Mother Earth
blinks her eyes
And we are
gone

We came out of
what was before
More will come
out of us

The never ending
circle
Since the beginning
until the end

At the creation of
the universe
The circle
started

At the death of
the universe
The circle will
end
But in the
ending
Will be a
new begining

Two Pages, AKA The Insanity of School

Two pages

All of me
All of what could be

Two pages

Who I am
Where I have been

Two Pages

All my accomplishments
All my mistakes

Two pages

I am more than what can
be expressed on a paper

Two Pages

My second chance comes down to this
My life good and bad comes down to this

Two pages

My academics
My volunteering
My social existence

Two pages

My good grades
My bad grades

Two pages

There needs to be more
You cannot see what is in me

Two pages

I do not fit you mold
I do not fit any mold

Two pages

Actual blog

I have some many things to say, and yet I never say most of them as they would piss off person A, or B, or C, . . . or EEEEEE. So multiple blogs, each meant for something different, that way people only have to see what they want to see.

I plan on keeping this blog to be the base one, that does not piss anyone off. There is one for my art (not likely to piss anyone off, but you never know), one for my poetry (totally not appropriate, for anything, ever, and therefore not linked, but if you really want to find it you can, or you could just ask), one for gaming things (quotes, discussions, etc), one for intellectual thoughts (this is the one that will do the real pissing off, so only read if you are ok with me completely disagreeing with me on some things), there are a few others, but those are the interesting ones.

My History of Modern China take home mid term

A very interesting idea, writing letters one as a historical figure (Liu Dapeng) to his son, and one as his son to the father responding to his fathers thoughts and worries.



To my dear son Liu Xiaopeng
I have believed that education, lifelong learning, and study should be one of the highest priorities for a person, and ones family. I would like to think that I have instilled the same thoughts, priorities, and values in my children, including, and especially you. I am saddened by what I am hearing about what you have been studying and how you have been using your education to inform your actions.
I would like to have believed I had raised you to understand and follow the tenants and cultural morays of our great society. Instead I find that you have joined the New Culture Movement, and more specifically the May Fourth Movement. They are in opposition of everything I had taught and tried to instill in you.
People are not equal, not in the eyes of the government, and not in the eyes of those you wish our society to turn into, those you wish our society to mirror. They clearly believe themselves to be better than us, just as your movements believe those within the movements are better than those outside the movement. The thoughts, no matter how worthy they may be, mean nothing if the actions cannot agree with them.
The father as the family head is our way, choosing the individual over the family can cause a breakdown of our society. The father is to look out for the family, moving the power to the individual means that the perspective needed will not exist, as only the father has the understanding and perspective needed to care for the family as a whole unit.
Our great society has been around and survived for so long, and yet all your movements see is the future, not our past. We cannot move forward without at least accepting what came before.
Why you believe, after the education you have received at Beijing University, that our nation’s place is that of other nations? Other nations believe our land to be worth less than their own, and yet they will fight to have it. Our culture is superior to that of other nations and cultures, and yet you place our culture on that of other nations.
Confucius’ texts were meant to be studied not picked apart using your modern textual methods. If you do have any connection with the Doubting Antiquity School, it would make me feel I failed you in your education, young life, and all studies as a whole.
Our society may not be perfect, but moving toward democracy is not the answer. If we look outside our society on how to fix our society we will fail to fix our own society and instead become only a part of their society. I know that you do not wish for us to simple become a part of their society as you joined in on the May Fourth Movement. You cannot take only a part, you must take the whole, so which is it, do you want the whole of their society, or do you want our society.
My son you have been educated, and studied, and I only wish the best for you, and or country, but I strongly believe that what you want to do, and the way you are doing it will leave our country with less strength, power, and lose itself.
To pass this time of strain in our country and the world we need to go back to our roots, to our culture, to find what we need to survive, finding survival in others will only have us loss ourselves more.
Your Father Liu Dapeng



To my honorable father Liu Dapeng
I hope this letter finds you in good health and spirits.
I respect that you believe what you have said, but I believe you fail to understand what is going on outside, in the country, and beyond.
You did instill a love of learning, and study in me. But that does not mean I agree with everything you think and do. I cannot just agree with something because it was spoken by a certain person, or disagreed with by another certain person. I must look into these thoughts, and study them for myself, and not lean on the education, of belief of my father, I must have my own understand, my own faith.
The Germans, who are not in any way our superiors or have any actual claim to our land has given some of our country to Japan, who also has no claim to our lands. I disagree that going back to our roots, to our culture, or anything but what will force our government to listen will fix these issues. If we continue in the vein we were already in than the logical conclusion is that we stay were we are, as we are, and I do not believe that is what either of us wants. We both want a better tomorrow, a better China, and leaving things as they were will not bring about better, just what we have had.
Confucius was a great thinker for his time, but times have changed and we must change with them, or be left behind. Our culture has been left behind, when we could have been a part of the changes the world has been undergoing.
Father you where a great educator, and great lover of knowledge and study. But the world has changed, we cannot stay the same lest we be left behind. With this great mind you must see the logic in the need to evolve when culture moves on, the need to change as the world changes. We cannot leave our destiny to a government that does not see what is happening at its own front door, to its own lands, nor to the outside world which wish to take our country from us piece by piece.
China has been under the thumb of imperialism, a system that lets a man rule not because he cares for the country, neither its land nor people, but because his father ruled. If we look at other countries that live this way all they want is to take, or be left behind as the world evolves around them. I wish our country to be neither. When we look to the new countries, specifically the one that is leading the change we see something different, some new. Why would we not want our country to be a part of this, democracy is the way to do this.
Our country should be on the level of other nations, our country could have what every other great country has. I do not think letting ourselves stay below, focusing on our culture is the way to save us. To save us we must be with the great powers, we must so what we must to have the great nations look at us not as land and resources, but as a people and a country no less than their own.
Yes the movements I am involved in look to the future not the past. We need to see where we are going. As one would not walk around with their eyes closed, one should not live life, especially not when dealing with a nation, not seeing what tomorrow will bring. Our leaders should think as the rice farmer thinks, not what is best for today, but what is best life.
Father I wish the best for you, and the family, but I must do what I think is right both for our family, and for the country.
Your son Liu Xiaopeng

Forgotten
by choice

My choices made sense
They saved me from pain

My choices made me safe
My choices left me alone

Now alone

Forgotten
by choice

Victim or Survivor

The world has named me Victim
But I carry only the name Survivor
Everyone has been a Victim
not everyone has taken up the mantel of survivor
To be in the world is be a Victim
We even make people victims of circumstances

I am no Victim
I will not take that title
Many have tried to force me to accept Victim as my status
even those closest too me

I have been beaten
I have been molested
I even lost myself along the way
the who and what, the whole of me
I have been raped
I have been stalked
I have been used and I have been abused
The world says any of these makes me a Victim
I say the totality of these makes me me

The strength of my soul, my spirit
It is thanks to all that, and so much more
Who would I be had it not been for all that? I would not want to know, for she would not be me

The world has named me Victim
But I carry only the name Survivor

Music of Lust

We touch

Every touch is new

Every sensation is new

We have know each other for what feel like forever

Each has always lusted after the other

Both too afraid to of the pain of rejection to do anything

Each hurt by what they perceived to be lack of want from the other

Our hands caress

Feeling the skin of the other

Hearts racing

Wanting more

We have wanted so much from the other since either can remember

Each body yearning for the other

Both minds wanting in on the others

Hands moving

We are moving so fast

We are moving so slow

Our pulse combine

New music forms

We have been friends for so long, so much more in our minds

The physical want so strong, the mental need begging for more

Skin on skin

Hands in hair

Mouth on breast

Thighs intertwined

Moving together

Moving in time

We have always thought similar, acted similar, lived parallel lives

Thoughts are lost

Rhythmic pumping

Faster and faster

This moment is total

Our music beautiful

But coming to an end

Our music was perfect

Falling to Create

Everything, every single thing
seems to be falling
Everywhere I look I see things built so carefully
things I spent so much time and energy attempting to balance
fall

The misery
The sadness
of losing that which I worked so hard on
It is nearly unbearable

Focusing on the loss and the pain
all I see is my unbalanced world falling

Those around me see something else
They see what the unbalanced world had blocked me from seeing

This new path
My journey is not over
I should not be building my world here
not yet
I should continue on my journey
Not to find the place I should be
but to become what I should be

Gaming quotes from last year, still funny though

"The glasses get larger at the top." - C on having filled the bottom half (inch wise, not ounce wise) of all three glasses with rum, and this not being a problem, and proof that killing that last bit of rum was not that much issue

"Did you put lime juice in this?" - D after having taken a sip from previously mentioned glass

"Remember, You killed it last time." - D after C was confused about where all the rum went

"You going to post this on your facebook? Point out that Frodo got it all wrong, all he needed to do was kill a bottle of rum." - D

"Do you have a strawberry?" - C
"Go Fish." - D
This wonderful conversation brought to you by having the LotR hobbit card symbols explained.

Conscience

I hear him talking in my head

He tells me all I have done wrong

He tells me all I am to do wrong

He tells me all the evil in my world

He tells me I cannot break the cycle

this cycle of pain

I want him to be wrong

I want him to be gone

But he is my self imposed conscience

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I think of him

of his touch

The touch of his skin next to mine

I think of him

of his kiss

Our lips collide in passion

I think of him

of his voice

His soft voice coming over the receiver

I think of him

And smile

Selfish

You are selfish

You took yourself from us

You took the light from us

You were not a candle in the wind

You were a bic in a windstorm

You brought joy

You brought happiness

You brought music that talked to our souls

You brought melody that could soft the hardest of hearts

How could you do this

To all you left behind

For my own sake I must forgive

From such joy to such pain

How can I forgive

Learning

The home of learning

The home of my heart

I cannot feel more at home than in a library on a college campus

Give me an institution of higher learning

Small college

Large college

Major university

It does not matter which

Give me a library

Department library

Undergrad library

Graduate library

It does not matter the type

Going to a city library makes me feel dirty

As if I were cheating

And in my heart I am

My life is for learning

My life is for teaching

My life is for preaching

New Drug

His skin is my addiction
His touch is the best drug

Throughout my life, so much bad, so much wrong
Always he was there
Always it was his embrace that made the world better

I traded addictions
I traded in drugs
I traded in alcohol
I traded in those things that were not so slowly killing me
For all these things the trade in value was him
I think I got the better part of this bargain

I have spent my life since our first meeting
Fixing myself
Making myself worthy of him

Other have come and gone
Some existing only to attempt to fulfill my craving for him
Some to help me become this better person
The person I still strive to be

He is not the image of perfection
He is not innocence personified

Fit

So out of place
No idea how to find
Where I fit in

I want to find my nook
I want to find the place where I fit in
I want to find my happiness

Eyes Closed

Eyes closed
Leaning back
Wind in hair
Excitement
Leaning forward
Voice
not far off
but not here
not in my world

Ruler

Just the thought of your touch
makes me want more

Just the thought of your lips brushing mine
makes me want you more

Just the thought of you
makes me want to be closer to you

Just hearing you voice
makes me want to be next to you

Protector

The touch of his skin next to Mine
Our lips collide in passion
The feelings of love explode
Creating a world of only happiness, love, passion, and pleasure

His touch

The sensation stay through the hard times that he cannot
The happiness he brings last for my sad times
To make me smile when I want to cry
When other would give up
I smile to myself, for I know the joys that shall come through him

His kiss leaves me wanting more
My skin tingle just to think of his lips on mine

I love him