Saturday, proof I am still just learning

Most everyone I know are surprised that I had never asked anyone out, even more surprised to find out that I had not asked out the one person who had kept my eye for around half my life. Saturday, after a week of people poking and my thinking more than I had actually done on the subject I finally asked him out. We talked a bit during the day, but a decision was not made.

I got home later than I had expected, and planned on going straight to bed, what with needing to be awake incredibly early the next morning. To help with the sleeping I took an ambien. For years my best friend had been trying to get me to not take ambien, I always had told him something similar to the 'only people who have the weird occurrences are lesser people'. Saturday I learned I am one of the 'lesser people'.

I apparently pulled out my laptop, and continued the conversation about dating. At some point I got angry and started being a real bitch, even cursed him out. I found out all of this Sunday morning. I panicked. He may have kept my eye, but we had become friends, and whether or not we ended up dating I wanted to keep him as a friend.  He is now a friend that I would do just about anything to keep from losing.

I sent him a message as soon as I saw what has happened fearing the loss of a good friend. Turns out he knows me well enough, and knows how drugs can fuck people up, therefore had already decided to ignore Saturday night.

The real point here is that I learned from this. Fearing failure is a waste, failure where you do not learn from it is where the fear should be. Many people have had to end up in legal trouble, or even just personal trouble to find out that ambien was not a good choice. I learned that even though I have done it many times before I should not do anything without questioning if that is what I need now, and of it is helping me.

I have been slowly trying to be more natural with everything I do, and yet here I was taking ambien, knowing the stories, even having met people that had stories of their own. I have been trying to not use caffeine, and yet I took ambien. Ambien had just been so much a automatic for getting sleep when I had an early morning that I never thought to go natural in that one place.

I know my need to be constantly learning is great for languages, etc, but I keep hoping I have learned all I can about me, but I keep learning things about who I am, what I want, what I need, and how I should treat myself.

Growing up is apparently a life long experience, a constant learning experience.