Just get out of my out of my head

What is stuck in my head right now

Weight loss

Finally found a way around my medical issues that have caused the weight gain, and those keeping me from losing weight.

Step one: deal with those issues instead of ignoring them
Step two: lots of protein
Step three: keep to a schedule
Step four: ignore the OCD keeping me from the scale
Step five: more protein
Step six: work out at least once a day for at least 5 minutes
Step seven: celebrate the little decreases
Step eight: let myself have anything I want, in small amounts and higher quality than I used to
Step nine: lots of meat
Step ten: eat at least 3 times a day
Step eleven: no soda, lots of juice and tea
Step twelve: seriously though all meals/snacks at least 50% protein

I used to spend my money on soda, now it goes on getting better things for the snacks.  I have always drank lots of liquids, I still do, I just go from soda to tea and juice; my gaming peoples keep juice in their fridge as mixer, I commonly go through it in a day of gaming.

The other day I drove past a McDonalds, smelled it and had this sudden craving for some nuggets, and then almost immediately felt sick at the idea of eating them.  Why eat nuggets when I could go home and eat some baked chicken strips I made myself, with one of the awesome sauces I made for dipping.

Being healthier when being poor is hard, and takes a lot of time, but it is really worth it.  My energy has gone up, and with my energy going up I have been going out more, and as I go out more the more I can ignore the Aspergers voice saying the world is terrifying, well, not ignore, but turn the volume down.

How I got myself excited about emails

My Aspergers has been getting worse over the last couple of years.  It got to the point where I could barely answer the phone when I saw it was a friend calling, and it could take me a couple of days to get back to people who sent me emails or texts.

I went on medication for a couple of things a little over a month ago, and while it is helping with my Aspergers, OCD, etc, it had not been able to get me to get past things like emails.

I decided I had kept the same background for my gmail for too long, and should change it.  I went looking at the options, there are some pretty awesome ones, then I saw the option for it to change with each login.  I thought about it, and decided that would be a great way to decide which one is the forever and permanent optimal background.  I have been great ever since about clearing everything, my Inbox has minimal emails, my Trash and Spam get cleaned out every time I look at my email.  This has been great for me, my want to see the image in each space means I ignore my other issues and clean up my email.  As long as this keeps working for me I will be keeping this gmail option.

Hand started computer

My mom's computer was having issues.  I went to see if I could fix it.

I tried a couple of basic things, opened it up, tried a them again.  I realized that a fan was not spinning, so after a couple more things I tried spinning the fan as I turned it on.  As a person who knows multiple coding languages, has been known to destroy computers just by being near them, I thought I knew computers pretty well.

I had never hand started a computer before, that was just so weird.

How American media sees the world

There is a train derailment in another country, all the news agencies say the country, the number dead, show the video over and over.  However countries are not small things, and as such a large country we should know that. In 10 minutes of news coverage they continue to fail to say where exactly it happened.

It took having a friend in a country where they did this for me to notice.

In this case it was Spain, and knowing that my friends in Spain do not drive, but walk and take the train everywhere I was worried that they were on the train, that they were some of the dead.  I was worried, but kept trusting that the news would say where, or at least if any Americans were involved.  After 10 minutes without any useful information from the news I went online to see if anyone was giving useful information.

I found that it was no where near them, and then found a response that they made to someone else since the derailment.  Still, it got me thinking, this happens all the time, not derailments those are rare, but saying a large other as far as to where something happens, each time they do this there are people out there waiting to know if they should worry about their friends, coworkers, family, etc.

And that is your random over-thought thought of the day

Kids need more inappropriateness in their lives

Healthy friends, I haz them, I swear

My best friend, well, the guy who used to be my best friend, not a healthy friendship.  This has been pointed out, and this weekend showed this in black and white.

One day I was hanging out with him, one day I went out and made a new friend, and one day I hung out with a different close friend.  The day with the now ex-besty was stressful, frustrating, and rather painful.  The day making a new friend, was mildly panicked, then we bonded over some gin and juice, and it was a great day; after the bonding over booze there was bonding over silliness, geekiness, and music.  The last day of the weekend saw me hang out with another friend that thought I should do more of that making new friends, he thought this is a great idea because of lots of things, but mostly because I rarely get as happy as I was that day.

Turns out I am bad choosing who should be closest to me.  Dating and friends.  Apparently I should just have my friends vote on not just who I can date, but also those I let get close to me (mostly joking, well, about the friend part, the dating part is semi-true).

I need a guy that does this, or at least enjoys when I do

Option 3 is awesome, as long as you let me know

Much more fun for me that way

Wheeeeeeeeeeee

Non profit privateering ~ m

Smile

Music and me

Sometimes it feels like I was born with a million medical issues.  The only thing that is always that has always comforted me is music, even with the worst migraine I can listen to music.   I however have this issue where I cannot get comfort from music where I can see myself involved in it, is narrows the type of music I can listen to for comfort.  I can listen and dance to anything, but not when I'm in pain.  When in pain I need to have words or violin, preferrably both.  I think it helps me focus on something other than the pain.  This means a lot of folk music, modern folk, traditional folk, even the rather odd combination of techno and folk.

I sometimes feel like I'm missing out, by narrowing what I will listen to.  When not in pain I enjoy listening to almost anything.  However it seems most the time I am in pain.

Come back later for my why Romani music always makes me smile

Racist, why yes

People think I cannot be racist, I am white (kind of, I call myself mutt, but most of the ancestory is European), I chose to bus from the suburbs to the inner city for high school, I not only go to a historically African demonination church but sing in the senoir choir, and that is just the start of a rather long list of thing one would not expect of the given mold of me.  But yes I am racist, just not the usual definition of white person racist.

I think whites are given the keys to run the world, and still cannot make the self worth much.  I think Asians are culturally pushed to be better.  Blacks are told by society that they are worth less, but many still stand up.

So when someone does good that is white or Asian I see it as expected, when they are black I think 'good for them'.

So yes, I am racist, just not in the usual way

I love being a geek

My best friend and I are having a discussion about whether we can call Transformers a metaphor for what is happening in America, or just a warning of what could happen.

Living the line

I walk the line
Always walking the line

Youngest of the old
Oldest of the young

Dumbest of the wise
Wisest if the dumb

Too geek to be a true researcher
But researchers are never truly one of their subjects

White in the black
Black in the white

Worst of the best
Best of the worst

Too classical to be pop
Too pop to classical

Both sides are always puling
I let them take me
I hate letting sides win

Brightest of the deep
Deepest of the bright

When am I me
When am I more than the line

My sex life, lack there of

I have previously written about lack of interest in sex.  Today I went for a study visit where ether Dr asked if there was a connection between the decreased sex drive might have something to do with my chosen birth control.  Looking back I think that might have been something I should have changed sooner.  After only a couple of weeks on the new medication I got that part of me back.

There was more to my decrease than just the medicated ring, however when multiple things get together, one must either change change what you can or accept the new self.  I am glad I chose change.

I keep thinking I know my body so well, then something like this pops up, shows and me how wrong I am.

All are one

I have finally gotten everything all together.  All the blogs I had all over the net, are now here.

On a side note:  If you do not get the subject, I feel sorry for you.

Notes from back in the day

As someone that does research on Geek Girl Culture, there needs to be more dealt with than just Geek Girl culture, but also the over arching female culture, and this is a poem I received while taking a class on the image of women throughout history.

Barbie Enters a Contemplative Order

"Sister Barbie" has a nice ring, don't you think?  And where else is there to go when you're sick of the dream house?  A girl can only take so much pink.  I've done the globe -- gone from Native American buckskin to Indian sari.  With the right outfit, I'll fit anywhere, straddle the ages: from Pilgrim Goody to Dead Head Barbie, from Mary Magdalene to Jackie O.  Sans crow's feet, sagging boobs and bunions, time's tno stumbling block.

I've tried on Dorothy's pinfore and pigtails, though I couldn't click the ruby slippers.  Glinda's puffed-sleeve prom dress fit me too, and her star-tipped magic glittered in my hand.  Poor Ken, with the fake ticker stitched to his Tin Man chest, made me consider what I've missed.  Made me want to sing, "If I only had a clit."

So I was ready for my stint as Rapunzel Barbie.  But after Ken hung, tangled in my braids, found himself tossed into my bower, we couldn't think of anything to do but pose.  Who'd have believed, I'd want to lose my hair?

But first, on to Grecian Goddess Barbie, though which one?  Must be Aphrodite.  Fleet-footed Artemis wouldn't be caught dead in all that fru-fru.  Ringlets, and bracelets, and crown: oh my!  I would have made a cute Persephone, my lips painted a pouty pomegranate.  Or why not Demeter, Mother Extraordinaire?  Why not Hestia, the happy house-frau?  Why not Hecate, gaunt and wizened Godess of the Crossroads?

It's her realm Sister Barbie crosses into, where I'll face down wrinkles and decay, as long as I don't - please God - meet up with Father Ken in this get-up, I'll just die.  Think of it as entering a whole new world of accessories - trading jewels for rosary, pocketbooks for prayer book.  I'll enter singing "If I only had a soul."



There will likely be more notes from back in the day, especially now that I no longer have scheduled research time.  The lack of scheduled research also means what will be appearing here will get more and more random until everything starts to come together for publishing.

Time for some board gaming quotes

If moms were pokemon, I would have them all ~ N

I do not recognize any of the symbols ~ J
I do, this is a circle, this is a triangle ~ C

Did you put ice cream on a cookie? ~ N (it was in fact)

Anybody want to trade?  No, wait ~ N

Overthinking, thinking thinking thinking

I overthink excessively, I mean really obsessively excessively overthink.  I commonly find myself overthinking, then overthinking how obsessively I am overthinking.

I keep trying to keep it from affecting more than just my own mind, but I see it attract the way I act with people which means out cannot to kept from affecting others.

Certain people are capable of getting me to not overthinking around them they do so just by existing.  I still overthink things after, but they are a short term fix.  I want to be the best me I can be without needing them.

I want to be me without the obsessions, without the fixations, without the overthinking, but without those who am I?

Artifacts

Here I sit, at my best friends apartment.  I am surrounded by geek stuff.  When actually studying culture these items get called artifacts, when I am not playing the role of researcher I call them entertainment, or memories, or equipment.  People do not think about the things that they use on a daily basis as artifacts, those who died thousands of years ago did not think of their items as artifacts either, but now that is all they are known as.  In some ways I feel we take out the personal in research, on many levels research fails when the personal is left in, but when we completely take out the personal what is left?

In one class I asked how other would feel about their ancestors being dug up for research, one classmate actually responded with "My family is of no value to science" he went on to say Native Americans just need to get over 'it'.  He had clearly removed too much of the self from research, one needs to think what if it were me that is being researched, how would I feel.  It is people who have completely removed the self from research, that did not think of those being research as people just like them that has caused Native Americans to be so strong against researchers.

Researchers need to be in balance with their subjects, people or otherwise.

Sometimes I wonder/BDSM

Do I enjoy pain because I feel it all the time, and therefore need to either learn to love it or go insane?
Do I enjoy switch partners because I cannot fully access my dom or sub side without a second person?

Sex has been ruined?

There are a few guys that stopped having sex after having sex with me, I always thought that strange as I am not that great, nor did I think even the most amazing of sex was worth not ever having sex again even if 'nothing could ever compare' (although I still think they had somehow just gone through life never knowing good sex).

I have not had sex in quite some time, it is not that I think nothing could ever compare, I just found myself in a sexual rut, I know there are people out there that are amazing partners for me, people that can turn me into a quivering ball of flesh.  This rut left me without a sex drive, and without a sex drive one will not find themselves having sex.  After about six months I found myself wanting the next person to be special, some part of my brain said that after going that long without I needed the next time to be more than just sex.  After a year I stopped caring about the idea of sex, outside of my monthly heat.  At 18 months I realized how long it had been and felt a bit sorry for myself and considered finding pity sex, just because that is way too long for someone that had kind of been the definition of a sex fiend.

Yesterday I woke up with a sex drive again, I want to figure out a way to keep the sex drive, and as this is not me being in heat I think I might have a chance to actually keep it for more than a week, and maybe even go back to normal me, although hopefully a less sex fiendy version of me.

Creepy Serial killer check ...

You succeed in coaching your team in your creepy serial killer check to make it appear that it was all an accident ~ n

I hope you find a wife who makes horrible sandwiches – c

Then I poop in her purse – b

A tree shambles into the inn . . . – b

Then huffs off – n

There are so many drakes in azeroth – b

Someone needs to spay their drakes – n

Especially those proto drakes – b

We could ride the turtle after them. ~ b

Yes, because turtles are known for their speed. ~ m

Some people have jobs, Brent, I know adventurers are not one of them. ~ n

Only one dwarf was injured in the making of this fight. ~ c

Where are you hiding the weasels? ~ c

Like a banana condom ~ b

0 is the best initiative, you always go first, but you are surprised ~ b

Black Friday

"What to do if someone does not like the gift you got them"  Seriously?  If someone does not like the gift I got them it is most likely because either they are forcing me to get them a present, or they put up a false face to me, and I bought (or more likely made) based on that, in either situtation they need to get over it.  If someone gives me a gift I do not want, I let them know it was sweet, but not what I needed or wanted, and ask if they would mind me giving it to someone that can use them and/or want them.

We have reached the point in the 'season' were I no longer am shopping for things (that music makes me want to curl up in a ball, crying and sucking my thumb, this might be based on my first job being in the mall during Christmas season).  I am still willing to go to the craft store and/or grocery store to buy whatever piece I need to be able to finish a present, but I have most everything already.