Is there anything you can’t let go of but you know you should?

Time for another random question and answer, get to know me.

I have been able to let go of most everything.  I have forgiven people who have not asked forgiveness.  The only anger and pain I cling to is how the church I grew up in treated me after I was raped.

For all I know they now have group therapy for rape victims, however with me they did everything wrong.  I was suddenly not allowed to be around children, be in any choirs, all I was welcome to do was give them money.  I tried to stick with it, I kept going to services, and I kept feeling less and less connected as those around me built walls.  They were confused why someone so involved would suddenly disconnect, they thought I had done something.  I felt utterly abandoned

After six months I realized they were not going to change for the better, things would only get worse if I stayed.  So I left.  I left my friends of over a decade.  Once I did leave I almost immediately found new places I felt at home, places that let me be me, places that would welcome me in my broken state.  I found new friends, people that made me feel whole.

Defining Moments

None of my early memories were defining in a religious way for me.  I remember being in choir, I remember friends, I remember being in musicals, I remember VBS in the park, I remember weekend trips, and I remember work weeks during the summer.  None of those defined me, they were all just expected of someone who went to University Presbyterian Church.

Or at least they were overshadowed by how I was treated when as a 19 year old I told the head of the college department I had been raped.  As I had been a bit wild there was victim blaming and slut shaming.  I am not sure I will ever get over that.

I left the Presbyterian faith and wondered.  I tried pagan, I tried Lutheran, I tried Catholic.  I found a family at First African Methodist Episcopal, but not quite the church home I needed.

At FAME I tried hard to fit better.  Once the music made me feel like dancing, so I did.  Unfortunately this was taken as me being full of the spirit, when really I was just feeling the beat (it was a great beat).

When my friend invited me to come to an Episcopal church I started doing research and was excited that it was Catholic service (which I love) with an allowance for those of us left of left.  Then I found out that I could join a religious order, which had been that dirty wish I had had since I was very little.  That plus Pentecost service had me in love.

People Influences

Retired Rear Admiral Roberta Hazard is my earliest and longest standing relationship with someone that influenced my religion.  She knew me from the day of my birth until a move she made where the USPS did not forward our cards to her.  She was a good Naval Officer, and good woman, and a good Catholic.  She studied history and education, more history, then joined the war college, and took all that into the military.  I remember her constantly being a sweet and kind woman.  She sent me a prayer that I keep on my wall, it has been on my wall everywhere I have lived since.  Mostly her influence has not been a traditional leading, but just being that kind woman.
Her life has also taught me that just because you are great at one thing does not mean you cannot do something else (or 2, or 3) as well, in her case history, education, the military, and religion.  This also led me to find Dr Joseph Warren an inspiration, but that is a thing for another time.

A much more recent person of influence is Sharon Blackford.  Again she is a great person in and of herself, and also a good Christian, in her case Episcopalian.  She was my friend for a long while before she mentioned her being religious.  She found out that while I loved the people at my parents church the service was not for me.  I had tried so hard to fit in the service, I joined a choir, I even did a dance of joy during service, but in the case of the former I felt like I was an outcast for asking for sheet music, in the case of the latter I did it hoping I could feel what others did when they do, I cried when I got home because I felt nothing but tired from the experience.  Sherry invited me to come to her church.  Even after moving far away she has walked with me as I have gone on this journey, from joining the church, to Confirmation, to looking at joining an Order.
While we are not related I have called her sister, both spiritually and as someone who I would have loved to actually have been my sister.

Memory

My earliest church based memory is singing in the children's choir at Easter.  I was backstage at the Seattle Opera House.  I was waiting in line, sorted by height.  I could hear the service going on, but not make out what was being said.  This memory is as clear as if it happened yesterday.  I remember being proud of being in the choir.

My next memory was of church was a Billy Graham service.  We were in the Kingdome.  I remember nothing of the service.  I remember how I felt after the service.  After the service the family went down to the field, we all felt called to recommit ourselves.

Compline

I am sad.  The code for Anamchara Compline failed.  I had been so excited to join in.

I did the Celtic Compline for today on my own (there is no notes on my copy, so it was just spoken not sung), so I did not miss out completely.

Spiritual Heritage

I come from a mixed and wandering spiritual heritage. 

• Mom was raised Pentecostal
• Dad was raised Lutheran
• God-mother is a cradle Catholic
• I was raised Presbyterian
• In high school went Lutheran for awhile
• In college I was victim blamed and shunned by my Presbyterian church elders
• I wandered Catholic and Lutheran churches for a time
• While I wandered the family wandered Evangelical churches
• For a time I shared the families home church
• Then a friend invited me to try an Episcopalian service

Strengths that come from my background

• Know the differences in denominations
• Know where I stand
• Know my bible
• Know my service style
• Know my servant skills

Weakness that come from my background

• Lack of stable history

Love

Today is not for posting about my religious walk. Today is not a day to focus on the self.

Today is a day to show love. Today people celebrating liberte fraternite egalite lost their lives. Today a human filled with hate stole a precious gift.

Today I want to share love with everyone.

Specifically I want to share love with you as you read this.  Yes you, maybe we have not met, maybe we have been friends for ages.  None of that matters.  You are here and you are loved by me.

Remember
If you are reading this that means you are awesome enough for me to care about. This means you should love you. You are you and that should make you smile. If someone else thinks you need to change you, remember that you are loved because of you, not in spite of you.

Smile
Love yourself
Love others
Share joy
Most important share love

Compline

I am excited to a silly level at the idea of watching Anamchara Compline this Sunday night.  It is being shown online.  I have gone to Compline at St Mark's a few times, this will be my first Compline at another site (site, hahaha).

I will be playing it in the living room of the house, so there will be room for others to join, if you want to come up to Edmonds.

Future

This point is hard to even consider.  It is dependent on getting a job, or not.

I see myself being led to Anamchara.  I spent much of my life believing that I was called to be a nun, however thought it was not something I could be as I was protestant.  Nowadays what is keeping me from joining is my lack of funds which is based on my lack of traditional job.

I see myself having a family before much longer.  Once I have a job and have established myself in it I shall be looking to having a child.  Possibly adopting, possibly by donor, I feel that I am to have a child, I do not feel required to have a partner in the process.

While I am putting it last it is something I feel is very important, I feel I am to live on my own.  By on my own I mean out of my parents basement.  It is not so much that I feel I need to live elsewhere as I feel they need to be able to live with each other and not have their children constantly around.  They have never lived on their own, there was always a someone else living with them, they need and deserve time with each other.

What is brief

I sent an email asking for a definition of brief.  Was three pages still brief, or is seven the max.  I was told the term brief was meant to imply I did not have to write a book, but otherwise was welcome to send more if that is what I felt to do.

This does make things easier.  I was trying to figure out how much of a page per thought I could have, now I can write as much or as little as I feel called to write.

More writing to come :)

Time to answer a random question, because I am done with my other work for the day

Would you take a shot if the chance of failure and success is 50-50?

For major things I would try, for minor things I would hide and not try. The tiny things I freak out over, leaving no time for me to panick over the bigger things.

Checklist

In this process to write a spiritual autobiography I have looked at questions to help me organize thoughts.  I found a Spiritual Formation Assessment that gave a checklist, I went over the list, and as it suggested it might I learned something about myself, and show me where I could improve.  I certainly saw where I could improve, while I checked the boxes I saw myself not answering the question but describing my answer.

Here goes

• I practice some form of personal prayer
• Every morning, as part of a routine
• I pray with other Christians
• I rarely spend time in prayer with others outside of services
• I read my Bible devotionally
• As part of my morning routine (BCP)
• I read spiritual writings
• While busing.  If I am busing I am probably reading.  When I bus is currently random, I am hoping that getting a normal job will increase my reading times.
• I study the Scriptures
• As part of my morning routine (BCP) 
• I spend time by myself in quiet solitude or silence
• I spend a short time as part of my daily routine, I am trying to add more silence and music to my life.
• I fast or engage in other deliberate acts to simplify my life from over-dependence on material things]
• I cut something for a short time every week, but I could do more I just am not taking that step
• I keep a personal journal of my thoughts, feelings, and prayers
• I make notes, they are random and not all in one place.  I am hoping this space will once again be where I post such things, and I hope other will keep me accountable
• I contribute from my financial resources through
• Tithing and offerings as I can, when I can.  Money is so tight I commonly go to a local church instead of going all the way to my parish.
• I participate in the ministry of my local church
• I was in the women's choir at St Mark's however that was cut, I have yet to find a new ministerial home.
• I engage in some form of ministry or service to the poor and needy in my world
• While I have not found a new ministerial home at St Mark's, I have found a place where my skills are useful.  I volunteer at the STAR Center (Special Technology Access Resource), I run the computer lab as well as the Facebook page.  I enjoy giving my time, I enjoy the people who use the lab, I love the love that I feel here.
• I participate in a worship service in a local church
• As often as I can, I would like to say I go weekly, possibly with some during the week, however that is not something I can afford.  This is another thing I hope will improve once I have a job.
• I practice "sabbath" as a period set aside for rest and renewal
• I try to do as little projects on Sunday as possible.  It is not a day for laundry, or whitewashing the fence (which would not work anyway).
• I receive spiritual direction from a spiritual guide or mentor
• I have a few people I use for this, and I talk with at least one of them every month.
• I participate in a small group where I can share, seek guidance, and be held accountable for growth
• I have friends that I see at least one of them a week, we only get together as a group once a month or so.
• I enjoy social interaction (fellowship and celebration) with brother and sisters in Christ
• Much less than I would like.  This is another point where I hope having a job would change and increase my ability to afford to go to other or bring others to me.
• I engage in a personal care practice that build my physical, mental, and/or emotional life
• I do yoga as part of my morning routine, I see a therapist every other week, but how I could do more.  I could join a gym and get more of a workout, I could do some much.  I am stuck for the moment, but I will not let it stay that way.

I am not being weird, I promise

I am being weird, and my post seem to be a bit off my usual.  Because of my unemployed nature I have moved from being in the application process of joining the Anamchara Fellowship as a nun, to applying to join as a Companion.  I am making my notes on what to write in the application process here for two main reason, it allows me to have my notes on different pages (posts), and to help keep honest/give me accountability.

I welcome notes and question, whether they be via comments on a post or an email.

Practices

I have never been good with self discipline, self control, and self accountability.  I am however good at making friends that are willing to check on me.

This is true of everything
Give me a bag of broccolli, I will eat it all
Give me music and I will work out until I pass out from pain
Give me books, I will read, ignoring all physical needs

I always wish I were capable of more

My friends keep me right, keep me from going too far, at least as much as they can

Influences

I grew up Presbyterian

My mom was raised Pentecostal

My dad was raised Lutheran

My God Mother, Roberta Hazard, was Catholic

I touched a toe in each

When I was in high school I visited a Lutheran church, loved the service and its weekly communion

When I was treated poorly by my childhood church I spent most of my time at Lutheran services

As an adult a dear friend invited me to go to Saint Mark's Cathedral, it was the feast of the Pentecost. By the end of the service I knew I was home.

People whose faith influenced me, feels almost like a mathematical equation. Sharon Blackford a cradle Episcopalian and Admiral Roberta Hazard a strong Catholic. So my being a Catholic leaning Episcopalian is rather expected.  My favourite authors also mirror this situation, The greatest Catholic writer and the greatest protestant writer;  JRR Tolkien and CS Lewis.

Evolution

The evolution of my faith was not a slow or gradual one.  I was on one track, and was forced off it by the church I grew up in.

I had been wild in my youth, I never left the church, I was just wild and a troublemaker.  But was a leader and teacher, on my way to living a life as leader in a church.

Then I was raped.  I told my boyfriend, who told the leaders of the college program, who told the leaders of the children's programs.  Victim blaming broke me.  I lost many friends, I lost my plan in life, I lost my goal, I lost my boyfriend, I lost school, I even lost faith in humanity, but never lost my faith in God.

I was too broken to keep going as I had been.

One friend helped me make new friends, I quickly rebuilt some aspects of me, but what I saw as who I would be was not to be regained.

I left churches for awhile, when I went back it was to Lutheran churches, then an African Methodist Episcopal, then I game to where I belong.

Home

I grew up in a Christian home. My mom was raised Pentecostal, my father a Lutheran. My brother and I were raised Presbyterian. I loved the church I grew up in. Classes were very organized, services were beautiful (though I would usually draw during them), the camps that they had were amazing. University Presbyterian did a very good job of walking the line between entertaining and educating.

My love of my childhood church would not last.

When I was still a child I received a care package from one of my God Mothers, in it were a few items she thought a Christian girl should have. The most important item Admiral Hazard sent me was a prayer, a prayer to Jesus decorated with the Heart of Christ. This prayer has followed me my life, I am looking at it as I type this. It usually hangs above my bed, I do not prayer it daily, it does however remind me to prayer as I get into bed each night. This care package made me realize their was more to Christianity than how I was raised, it was because of this package that I first felt I should join a religious order.

My love of the prayer has never decreased, only increased.

There was a children's program I saw while I had pertussis, it had a live action of Our Lady of Guadalupe. I fell in love with her that day. I knew I was not a Catholic, I was a Presbyterian, however I knew that she would be important to me my whole life.

My love of Our Lady was odd for a Presbyterian, and that has lasted through everything.

Stuff and Things Things and Stuff

It has been two years since my last confession, I mean post. Not a lot has changed, at the same time almost everything has changed.

Job Stuffs
Still unemployed. Still making jewelry. Doing volunteer work and taking online classes to keep my skills up. I now work with DVR and IKRON to help me get a job. I am also dealing with multiple temp agencies to try and get back into the working world.

Religious stuffs
Because of the lack of job stuffs I put my calling to be a nun on hold. Recently I took a step toward dealing with it. Not by moving forward with the application to be a nun, but with a move toward becoming a Companion to the Anamcara Fellowship. I need to write two things, both are more complicated for me to write than a report on chemistry (my weakest subject). I need to write a brief spiritual autobiography, writing about others is easier than writing about me. I need to write a brief reflection on a book on Celtic Spirituality, with it being so close to my heart I find even the idea of keeping it brief hard.

Dating stuffs
Wibbly wobbly datey watey. I have moved this toward the front burner, however it is still very weird and confusing. All I want is a geek that wants a family, and accepts all the weird sides of me, the extreme religious faith, the extreme science head, the extreme liberal mind, the extreme geek heart

Geek Stuffs

I am currently not doing much gaming, as the group I was in fell apart.  We were cats and cats are hard to herd.  I am looking for a new group, however the Aspergers makes joining a completely new group terrifying, and as I am doing so elsewhere in my world I do not want to do it here yet.  Though I have created the basics for three different Star Wars and a couple of Fallout campaigns.  When things settle a bit more I will see about forming a group for a campaign.
This past weekend I did have a board gaming thing at the house, it went rather well.  Although the fact that I prefer to host and not play did not go over great ...  I do plan on doing another gaming day before too long.

Seattle Pride Parade is Heart Crushing

I know it has been awhile.  I imagine that if you have read any other post from me you find the subject odd, as I am clearly pro-equality in every way.  The explanation of the subject might crush your heart too, so be careful.

I was in the Episcopal contingent of Seattle's Pride Parade.  I thought it would be good for me, and good for people to see so many Christians showing Gods love, and while that is true there was so much more.

Parking was horrible, I drove for about 40 minutes before finding a spot, far from the beginning of the parade, which was nearly two blocks closer than were our contingent.  I ran the two miles, much through the 'obstacle course' of people watching the parade, and people trying to get to the parade.  I got together with my group with more than enough time, and ended up talking with people in the groups around (mostly trying to get a black sharpie, the Rocky Horror group behind us tried hard to find me one).

When our part in the parade started I was ready to smile, wave, and show Gods love.  We passed the ROTC contingent waiting for their turn, they applauded us, and a few saluted.  A great way to start, I thought.

As we marched we got applause from the watchers, and thank yous.  The second person I heard thank us, was in pain.  Not in pain on a physical level, but something much deeper.  I had to fight crying.  I looked in his eyes and saw pain in this man.  He was fighting tears as he told me 'thank you'.  You could see that he had been hurt by churches or at least Christians.  You could see in his eyes too the joy of seeing people with the same title saying 'God loves you'.  The pain looked fresh, seeing us, seeing love being given were he had been given pain, was reopening his pain.  This sudden  pain shook my core.  I kept marching trying to work through the pain I saw in him, trying to not lose myself in the pain he shared with me in that look.

We got many others who thanked us, and many who cheered.  Any future people who thanked me, with tears in their eyes were given a big hug, high fives and blown kisses were given to those who thanked with only joy and happiness in their eyes.  Waves were given to those that cheered.  Hugs were also given to those with "FREE HUGS" signs, and I am seriously considering having one for myself for next year.

As we got to the end we passed the colour guard, boy scouts with their banner still in hands, they and their troop leader saluted us, and their troop leader thanked us for being there.  So we started and ended with happiness and salutes.

Every person who showed the pain that Christians had caused hurt my soul, crushed my heart, and made me want to curl up in a ball and cry with them.  We could not fix those people.  But we could tell them that those who tried to tell them they were broken when they were perfect were wrong.  We told them they were loved, by God, and by us, as they were made whether they were heterosexual, homosexual, anywhere in between, gorgeous queens stuck in male bodies, or dudes stuck in female forms.

I talked to a god-sister, told her how I felt, the pain that I felt looking into the eyes of so many there.  She told me that it was people like me that helped her make it, so while the pain I saw today has become a part of me I will never stop doing it, there may be another out there like her that needs to see someone like me, and I do not want to fail them.

My tab is no good for my style of blogging

It is good for long talking posts,  fine for one pic,  video, etc.   I am be posting singular things, purely because I feel like I am ignoring my talking space.   But until the laptop gets fixed all I have is Sheryl (yes I named my tab).

My laptop fan is dead

So here is a gift from me, my sleepi puppi ... in a pile of stuffed animals

All the Doctor Who yesterday got me thinking

I think he may have influenced what I like in a guy:

Wise like 1
Playfully musical like 2
Authoritative like 3
Quirky like 4
Sensitive like 5
Loves animals like 6
Has a dark side like 7
Have a carpe diem attitude, like 8
Willing to do anything for what he cares about, like the War Doctor
Can dress down and still look classy, like 9
Can pull off a suit, while keeping it playful (eg sand shoes) like 10
Can tie a bow tie, like 11

Upon this realization I got very excited about meeting 12, to see what gets added to my list

Been gone, will be back

I had planned on getting some posts scheduled for yesterday while I was off gaming and drinking and such, clearly I failed in that plan. I considered doing some scheduling to last until I get back from church tomorrow, but frak it I am tired.

I will be back, and post an excessive geek, Christian, Equality, and Free-Thinking images, quotes, etc, at some point in the afternoon. In the future I will consider doing the scheduling before the 8 hour board gaming day.

For now

Good Night all

Malibu Muffins

1 stick unsalted butter, soft
¾ cup sugar
2 eggs
½ cup canned coconut milk
¼ cup Malibu Rum
1 cup coconut flakes
1 ¼ cups plain flour
1 ½ tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
¾ cup canned pineapple cubes

Combine butter and sugar into a large bowl and mix with a wooden spoon or spatula.
Mix in eggs, one at a time, followed by the coconut milk and Malibu Rum.
Finally add the coconut flakes, flour, baking powder, baking soda and pineapple cubes – ensure that the mixture is well incorporated.
Pour into lined muffin tins and sprinkle with some extra coconut flakes.
Bake at 375F for 25 minutes (until the tops of the muffins are browned).
Cool on a wire rack.

I love the Oatmeal

For so many reasons, but on this day of family sucks, were is more booze I love his take on Thanksgiving

A bit about me

I love Sexplanations.  Dr Doe has gotten me to think about my sexuality from multiple points of view.

I will now have a quick discussion on my attractions.  I call myself pansexual, because I find so very many different sexualities attractive, but that really does not describe me well, like at all.  I have joked that I am Pansexual and Asexual, and while that is closer to were I am it just confuses.  I am attracted to different things it different ways, and with different leanings.

Intellectually
Intellectually I am Pansexual.  A persons biology and social gender definitions do not play a role in whether I am intellectually attracted to them.  Boobs and vag have nothing to do with the brain, neither does circumcision or intact.

Emotionally
Emotionally I lean straight.  I am mostly attracted to metrosexual men, and, well, gay men.  I know, I know, gay men will never find my sexually attractive, but I do not care, I am not wanting to fuck them, I just emotionally find them a really great fit for me.

I do not find women emotionally attractive, dyke, butch, femme, none of these are commonly good fits for me.  That is not to say that there is not some woman who is a perfect fit for me emotionally, I am sure there is, likely a good number of them.  I have only met one, and so I say lean straight, at least in this one respect.

Physically
I am totally Pansexual here, well, Captain Jack type of Pan.  I find all different things physically attractive.  Boobs are awesome, I love boobs.  Penises look, well, icky, as do vaginae.  Amusingly enough I think foreskin and large labias are hot, I cannot explain it, I just do.

Sexually
And now it is time for the Asexual part.  It is only a part of attraction, but it is the part most people connect with, sex.  I am not against sex, I just am not interested in it, at all.  If I were dealing with someone that wanted to have sex with me, and I felt I was getting something I wanted from the deal, I would not say no, but as I have not found someone who does not want the sexual to be in the forefront of a relationship, and am not interested in a friend with benefits relationship ...

That is not to say I do not find pleasure in orgasms, I do, I just do not feel the slight bit interested in forming a relationship around it, or, well, having physical intimacy with anyone.  The only way I do things with others involves mutual masturbation.

I find anything sexual with someone else to be about bringing enjoyment to the other person, and not sex.  I am, at this point, rather confused that so many people need sex to get enjoyment, and that just causes issues for even starting a relationship ...

Conclusion
I am me.  Words are good for both clarification, and confusion.

I love Sexplanations, and am so glad that watching has gotten me to feel less weird about my weirdness.  Sexplanations on Subbable, if I had any actual money I would totally give money, doing my part to help myself, and others, always a good thing.

Officially joining St Marks Episcopal in Seattle in a few hours

I get to try and explain how I am not Catholic or Protestant, but both Catholic and Protestant for the rest of my life

I could not be happier