Day 05 – A song that reminds you of someone

"Without me", I shall not say who I am reminded of, or why, but it does make me smile.

Day 04 – A song that makes you sad

"Green Fields of France" is what I listen to when I need a good cry, it is not that it makes me sad so much as it just helps me get in touch with that part of me.

Day 03 – A song that makes you happy

"Memories" makes me want to dance, so I shall go with that, for now.

Day 02 – Your least favorite song

I do not keep track of things I do not like, the world has more than enough suckage, why keep track of the suclage that need not be kept track of, I will say that I cannot stand music where the singer is singing nasally, it drives me crazy as a singer, and as someone whose head does not like the sound.

Learning me

I am still learning who I am
I know what I want now
I know what I need now

How can I expect someone else to be ready for me to change
When I am not sure where I will be next week
Next year

I feel too old to be finding myself
I feel too young to have lived so much

I am still learning me

Day 01 – Your favorite song

My favorite song is one of those constantly changing things, it depends on my mood, depends on what I am doing, both at the moment, and with my life as a whole.  A the moment I am totally feeling "Step it out Mary", not fully sure why, but that is just how I am right now.

30 Songs in 30 Days

30 Songs in 30 Days

• Day 01 – Your favorite song
• Day 02 – Your least favorite song
• Day 03 – A song that makes you happy
• Day 04 – A song that makes you sad
• Day 05 – A song that reminds you of someone
• Day 06 – A song that reminds you of somewhere
• Day 07 – A song that reminds you of a certain event
• Day 08 – A song that you know all the words to
• Day 09 – A song that you can dance to
• Day 10 – A song that makes you fall asleep
• Day 11 – A song from your favorite band
• Day 12 – A song from a band you hate
• Day 13 – A song that is a guilty pleasure
• Day 14 – A song that no one would expect you to love
• Day 15 – A song that describes you
• Day 16 – A song that you used to love but now hate
• Day 17 – A song that you hear often on the radio
• Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio
• Day 19 – A song from your favorite album
• Day 20 – A song that you listen to when you’re angry
• Day 21 – A song that you listen to when you’re happy
• Day 22 – A song that you listen to when you’re sad
• Day 23 – A song that you want to play at your wedding
• Day 24 – A song that you want to play at your funeral
• Day 25 – A song that makes you laugh
• Day 26 – A song that you can play on an instrument
• Day 27 – A song that you wish you could play
• Day 28 – A song that makes you feel guilty
• Day 29 – A song from your childhood
• Day 30 – Your favorite song at this time last year

Commencement

Today is commencement.  10 years and 3 months after I graduated early from high school I am receiving my BA in Anthropology with a minor in History.  I took me a year after high school to get my AA, another 9 to get the BA, it makes me feel dirty that I let my mind waste, even if I did have reasons.

I keep trying to be proud of myself for this, and yet it just makes me feel like a failure.  It does not help that the family is making this about them.  I wanted to get together with friends and family in a small thing afterwards and I was not told that is not enough, I suck at doing my nails but I enjoy it, however when I said I was going to do my nails I was told that was not good enough, I love getting my haircut, I love new shoes, but when I am told what I want is not good enough it just goes further to prove I am a failure.  If that is what I want and it is a failure what does that make me?

I want to be proud, I want to be excited, but I just cannot get there, and the way people are acting around me is just making me feel worse, and what seems to be important to everyone else is not how they are making me feel, but how they are making me look.

Today is my commencement, and all it proves is that I am a failure.

Ya'll's be killin' me yo

So you are doin' a ho, what are you doing? ~ E

They investigated the heck out of this little planet, and you investigated Crystal all night. ~ E

He won't let you into the bar. ~ E
I give him 500 credits. ~ D
He lets you in. ~ E

I take a 20 on use the force to detect awesome incoming. ~ D

Relationship status: How many Zeltrons are there? ~ D

Graduation

Saturday is graduation, last minute everyone who had planned to come to commencement realized they messed up their schedules and cannot make it. It kind of sucks that people cannot make it, however it does leave me with spares for some friends that had not gotten enough, and a couple for the memento book I am working on.

There are lots of things I had been putting on hold while I was working on school, that I am so very annoyed at myself for having put on hold, many of those things are things that have just been lost. I continue to say as long as I learn from the experience I did not fail, I was just given another learning experience, I do get to wish I had not needed the learning experience.

Saturday is not a day to wish to have done something different over the last 2+years, but to celebrate what all I did in the time, plus the time at Shoreline Community College (many years ago).

I will look as good as I have during this entire time. There was a point when I was slightly smaller, but I was still hiding who I was then, to an extent I am still hiding who I am, however I am finally opening myself up to being me outside of when no one can know or see. All of that plus a new haircut, perfectly done nails, shoes that are gorgeous, robes that are being sew to be my perfect fit, and graduation lei will make me be as perfect as I can be.

I will say that all of those things only go to prove that I am better with help than I am alone, the haircut is always done with help from the amazing Heidi (she does not just cut it, but helps me figure out exactly who and what I am, and how to show that in my hair), the nails were done by a family friend, who went through every colour in the shop to find the perfect husky purple, the shoes were gotten with the help of the super nice sales person (and my dad, whose job was to tell me if the shoes were ugly, he said they looked not ugly), my mom is working on fixing the robe (the size I got should not have sleeves 6" longer than my fingertips, but it did, and now it has been decided all things will get fixed), and the lei is a graduation gift.

x-posting to fb

Saturday, proof I am still just learning

Most everyone I know are surprised that I had never asked anyone out, even more surprised to find out that I had not asked out the one person who had kept my eye for around half my life. Saturday, after a week of people poking and my thinking more than I had actually done on the subject I finally asked him out. We talked a bit during the day, but a decision was not made.

I got home later than I had expected, and planned on going straight to bed, what with needing to be awake incredibly early the next morning. To help with the sleeping I took an ambien. For years my best friend had been trying to get me to not take ambien, I always had told him something similar to the 'only people who have the weird occurrences are lesser people'. Saturday I learned I am one of the 'lesser people'.

I apparently pulled out my laptop, and continued the conversation about dating. At some point I got angry and started being a real bitch, even cursed him out. I found out all of this Sunday morning. I panicked. He may have kept my eye, but we had become friends, and whether or not we ended up dating I wanted to keep him as a friend.  He is now a friend that I would do just about anything to keep from losing.

I sent him a message as soon as I saw what has happened fearing the loss of a good friend. Turns out he knows me well enough, and knows how drugs can fuck people up, therefore had already decided to ignore Saturday night.

The real point here is that I learned from this. Fearing failure is a waste, failure where you do not learn from it is where the fear should be. Many people have had to end up in legal trouble, or even just personal trouble to find out that ambien was not a good choice. I learned that even though I have done it many times before I should not do anything without questioning if that is what I need now, and of it is helping me.

I have been slowly trying to be more natural with everything I do, and yet here I was taking ambien, knowing the stories, even having met people that had stories of their own. I have been trying to not use caffeine, and yet I took ambien. Ambien had just been so much a automatic for getting sleep when I had an early morning that I never thought to go natural in that one place.

I know my need to be constantly learning is great for languages, etc, but I keep hoping I have learned all I can about me, but I keep learning things about who I am, what I want, what I need, and how I should treat myself.

Growing up is apparently a life long experience, a constant learning experience.

What I want, what I need

I would say I want what everyone wants, but that is not really all that true. I want a man to worship, who is worthy of worship, and wants to be worshiped. I want to not be a great-aunt for a while longer, I do not want my great-whatever do be born with an addiction, or born with physical or mental problems because of drug use during pregnancy. I want to not need to think about what I want or need. I want to curl up with another being and just be.

I need? Well I need to move on to the next step, this next step likely involves getting a a job, moving back into the city, and becoming a more active person again. Mentally and physically I cannot stay where I am. I need to curl up with another being and just be.

All the notes shall be organized

I have been spending my free time of the last month or so organizing all my notes, from school and from my research, I have been way too scatter brained about it.  If the book is to be an Anthropological look at geeks, specifically the culture of the female geek, than I probably need to comment and reference actual Anthro concepts, so I really do need to be able too look back and see what major points I have missed/skipped/ignored.  However organizing all these notes seem to be taking longer than expected, and I have yet to figure out the best way to do it, at the moment everything is sorted by the quarter it was noted in, while I know that will not hold water for long, hopefully it either hold water long enough to get everything in the book, or long enough to find the better organizational method.

Wish me luck.

More S&Mitar

I threaten to hit him some more. ~ E
He secretly likes it. ~ N
That is why it is called the S&Mitar. ~ E

I do not know why you want me. ~ E
You heal. ~ N
And hit people with my S&Mitar. ~ E
Which also healing. ~ N

Oozes are just free lube, right? ~ B

His tentacle goes limp, too much whiskey. ~ B

I would totally watch that, Marching Band on Ice. Or cheerleaders on ice. ~ B

We have all lost part of our minds, yays

When you have a ton of stuff to do you whip it out? ~ J

It's a dark and stormy dark. ~ U

Josh is however not there. ~ D

Ah, they took our gear. ~ A

Dude, they made out with you while you were asleep. ~ E

That's not sexy. ~ A

I am great with my mouth. ~ A

Your character should not be smarter than you are. ~ D

Then I should only be playing fighters. ~ A

I am going to order food, and be surprised when it arrives. ~ B

How do you get your skin clean without a power sander? ~ J

What happens in Shadowfell, stays in Shadowfell. ~ A

I want a cage too. ~ U

Due to the Shadowfell I no longer have an internal monologue. ~ U

He might be useful for us in the future. ~ A

Why would you want a threesome with him? ~ U

There's a wight buying a dress. ~ B

You did not want to pull a Josh? ~ B

Geek Girl Con comments

At last PAX I met a roller derby girl that was starting a con, for female geeks, and those that are female geek friendly (not in the creepy way, get thee mind out of the gutter).  I was excited to have something so perfect for my research right here (Seattle being the social home for the geeks is great for me, and the research).  Sadly as time has moved on the convention has been getting more and more clique, which is one of the major reasons I have so few female friends, just because girls are raised to be clique by social rules does not mean we need to actually act like that, in fact the same social rules are the ones being broken by the mere existence of there being geek enough to even consider having a convention, let alone actually putting it on.  I hope that this problem is noticed and fixed in time to keep the convention around, but at this point there is no way I will be going, writing on the cliquish behavior is not something I need to go to GGC to do, and I really do not want to give a chapter in my book to them (damn the original concept draft of the book).  I really do hope they change, and if my book ends up getting a second version, I hope they will be ready to take the place they were to have in the current one.

The false opinions of me

Christian ~ well, yes I am kind of, I just view it from a different angle from most people.

Kinky ~ I enjoy kink, but it is not want turns me on

Poly ~ I am queer with serious leaning towards mono

Bi ~ Again queer, but with a lean towards straight

Boyfriend ~ being queer what is wanted, what is required is not what most people think of as a boyfriend, and yes I say boyfriend, not s.o., as while chicks are hot, I want guys. Really what I want is a guy that qualifies for certain number of things on a rather long list. Some of the things I am looking at with doing with my life could easily have me far away for long periods of time, and I plan to come home to only him, and I expect that if they go to a convention, or whatever whenever they are home it is to me, even if it is just a day lounging on the couch (more likely playing a board game), or going to the park.

Star Wars and fuzzy Buddhists

You work with Anthropologist, maybe some of it rubbed off on you. ~ E

Maybe I am just nosy. ~ P

The bartender gives you an oof.  That sounds dirty. ~ E

The first thing I do is find a shady bank, and the med unit, then I gamble. ~ D

It'll be a new thing, the bore the Sith technique. ~ D

Oh my god, brother is the new brochure. ~ E

I am going to play an Ewok who thinks they are a Wookie, named Nepolian. ~ D

I'm a gambler, and a degenerate, I don't break the law. ~ D

Nothing like losing your home world to bring a race together. ~ D

They are fuzzy Buddhists. ~ P speaking of Ewoks

It all started with the 'sexy' sick voice

Did you have a good cycle? ~ U

I have got to play this game, you get jack points. ~ U

It has been 5,000 years or something since I healed anyone. ~ E

/cough That heal was full of dust. ~ B

Flavourless Flav, that is totally my new rap name. ~ D

I do not like being stretched without my permission. ~ B

I turn his ax to pink. ~ U

You changed the colour of his ax? ~ E

Roll for strength. ~ D

/roll No. ~ B

The seed must flow. ~ D

The music makes it creepy, I need a hug. ~ A

Josh /points ~ U

I do not think he opens the gate of his ass. ~ D

My boob just tried to type. ~ E

I think it actually did type. ~ A

Can I still hear the music? ~ E

Yes ~ D

I keep dancing. ~ E

Is he a timelord? Because then he has two hearts. ~ E

Last of the Elf Lords. ~ B

You are trapped in your mind. You are seeing your life play out, except every point where you had a choice of right and wrong you choice wrong now. ~ D

No I want that orphanage to burn. ~ B

Now you are running in and saving the orphans. ~ D

The humans. ~ U

There goes our homeland. ~ U

Why? ~ A

I saved the humans. ~ U

We already had the spousal abuse session. ~ B

Put a bomb in it. Fill it with cream. ~ U

Although Paladins are charisma, but they are crap. ~ A

No, now you are anthropamorphising him. ~ A

He is an elemental. ~ B

Anthropornagarahpic ~ U

That would be doing it with a furry. ~ B

I would burn a furry. ~ J

Old Class Stuff - Epitaph For A Red-Headed Whore

Here lies what's left of a brazen hussy.
That gal sure had ad blazin' pussy.
So on her gravestone strike a match
in memory of her smokin' snatch.

This certainly appears to be a sexualization of a powerful woman.  I have heard people try to defend things like this, but without more being shared this can feels to be lacking in sharing in power, or advertising power, but is instead the taking of power.

Further evolution

I have let my disabilities take me into hiding. Every time I turned down going out, no matter what the reason, even the good reasons, brought me further from the real world. That is not to say I do not deal with the real world, I do in fact deal with the real world, I just choose carefully when and where to deal with the real world.

This weekend I left the house, and went out by myself to a place where I was not going even going to be hanging out with someone I knew, just watching them (not in the creepy way, their band was playing). I stayed out until my phone crashed, losing me my lifeline back to my world. I enjoyed everything outside the panicking, and really wished I had done more.

This experience made me realize what I am missing out on, and how far my issues have gone. To be a part of society I need to stop being so much of this me, and more of the me I was back in high school, the me I was before the rape, the me that enjoys just going out even without a reason, the me that could go out without being protected by others. The only good things I can say the current me has that the old me did not are two things: the first is the education, which I was clearly on the path to prior, and would have gotten, and gotten sooner than I have; the second are the friends I have made since, which I can in some ways attribute to the me I started becoming as I met them, but I think outside of the end of my main relationship that happened because of it being the only reason I met them, we would have been able to become friends, and without being able to rule out the possibility meeting them I cannot say I would not have them had I not let my life be pulled from its course.

As an anthropologist I need to not think of the world in a purely logical, scientific, mathematical way, but I am also someone who the world was convinced was to be a mathematician by the time I turned 8, who was raised by a philosopher. I still view the world in black and white, but there are only shades of grey. What was done to me was as dark as can be, but what came of it was not, where I have been is not the light path that was chosen for me, but I learned from it. I do view the world as not full of failure but full of learning opportunities, I just wish I did not take as long to learn what I needed, to move on, and not have hide for as long as I have.

Can I actually say my actions this weekend show I have evolved? No, as evolving involves moving forward, when really all I did was move back to where I had been. But I can have learned from both it, and where I have living, and those will help me evolve into the next stage of me.

Star Wars time

Do you really want to go toe to toe with me on Star Wars lore ~ D

With your little gay dwarf? ~ E

Gay Ewok. Bright pink fur. ~ D

An archeologist getting drunk after work? That never happens. /mouthing 'Yes it does' ~ E

You would think character would have lots of funny quotes, it however did not. Only a couple of quotes, and a few funny conversations, and of course references back to the gay Ewok and his bright pink fur.

Flesh to flesh

Flesh to flesh
Skin to skin
Caressing, controlling

Flesh to flesh
Skin to skin
What am I doing?

Flesh to flesh
Skin to skin
I want this moment to never end

Flesh to flesh
Skin to skin
How did we get here?

Flesh to flesh
Skin to skin
This is not just lust

Flesh to flesh
Skin to skin
Flesh to flesh
Skin to skin

Names mean everything and nothing

A name cannot decide what a person will become, naming your son Bill does not mean they will end up starting a tech company in their garage that will become one of the biggest names in the tech sphere. People will treat some names differently, naming your son Adolf could go badly, especially if the last name is very German.

Names, name meanings, and two people that have nothing in common except a name has caused me to think about this a bit too much.

I spent a couple of months at one point dealing names and their meanings wanting to have names that meant good things, that could not be turned into horrible nicknames, are easy enough for young people to pronounce without raping them, had good nickname options, and a few other things. This could come across as crazy as I am not planning on having kids just yet, and I was not in a relationship at the time, but once it was brought up in conversation that OCD would not let it go until I had something, OK, maybe that just proves the crazy. But naming a son Ruler Christ-Bearer, will not decide who they are, nor will Protector of Mankind Supplanter, or a daughter Mistress of the Sea Jade, but none mean things that someone would hide from, and outside Lex no bad nicknames can come from them.

My name means Bitter Honey Protector, I go by a shortened version of my middle name, that in and of itself has the meaning of Odd. I do not think bitter fits me, honey seems acceptable, but as the usually shortening of it that keeps the meaning makes me want to punch people, and when I first started going by the second half I did not know it meant something on its own, was more than a little amused when I found out that it meant odd, which fits me better than anything besides crazy.

The thing that has been weighing heavy in my thoughts the last couple of weeks were the people that made me sexually who I am, and how crazy their names our. There was one person that made me so happy, even though we were not each others primary, that caused me to see nothing in the opposite sex. I cannot say she nearly turned me lesbian, I can say she nearly made me forget my interest in the opposite sex. When things where getting right where I stopped looking at males I saw someone I had crushed on throughout high school. We bumped into each other and we were being completely non-sexual in nature, but simply dealing with him caused me to rethink. She nearly turned me, and he kept me straight. It was not until much later that I found out that they had the same last name (when I knew her she was not going by her birth name, at least not her last name).

Names mean so little and yet so much, much like there is no unique event and yet every moment is unique. Maybe had I been raised in a situation where one parent is a philosopher and the other is a political idealist, I would not question everything to such minor details, like what I might name my kids one day, or how I have had relationships with people that have the same last name.

No DnD meant BSG, not that the conversations were very game focused

Sherry, Mary, red headed chick I hang out with, oh, wait that is still both of you. ~ A

Like Faith Eliza Dushku? ~ D

Like Dollhouse, show me on the doll where I touched you. ~ U

How do you count? ~ D

Dalmations ~ A

It would be a warlord eating the consoles to get their powers. ~ B

Replace Master Chief with Mario, and you have Mario 3D. ~ B

Pull something out. ~ B

You just Amyd it in there? ~ D

You got liquor in that? ~ U

A little ~ B

Lots ~ D

If it's empty fill it with cream. ~ b

It's always been fill it with cream, you just didn't know it yet. ~ b

It's cream filled bananas. ~ D

Assume the party submission position, and we will figure this all out. ~ B

What is a geek?

Non-geeks keep telling me what a geek is. Geek is such a broad term that most anyone can be a geek. I consider a person to be a geek if they are willing to be called a geek.

Geek Flow Chart

What is a geek chick (or whatever she chooses to be called)? Someone that accepts the title geek, and is female, or considers themselves to be of the feminine persuasion.

Yes this is the short version, but the full version of what is a geek/female geek, is easily 10-20 pages. While the long version will be explain here, slowly, this seems to be as simple as I can get.

1st Pathfinder Game

He has a spear and he likes to stick it into things. ~ C

You cannot be chaotic annoying. ~ C

You just need to put your spear on vibrate. ~ B

Your flipping off your tip? ~ B

I am too busy with my spear to deal with my sack. ~ N

If you were a real man you would let her know your big is bed enough for 2. ~ B

To be fair my Bryon is well behaved. ~ N